Why do I feel so different after having a baby? The motherhood myth and what neuroscience really tells us.

“Why do I feel so different after having a baby?” Have you asked yourself this question recently? Have you wondered when you’re going to feel like yourself again, or why new parenthood doesn’t seem like you imagined? Maybe parenting feels harder than expected or maybe you’re not even sure you’re cut out for it. 

These common thoughts and experiences stem from the dissonance between how we are socialized and the reality of new parenthood. From an early age, some girls are told that motherhood is the pinnacle of their lives and the measure of success. We may be exposed to images and stories of a selfless mother devoted to her children and internalize that that is the proper way to be. Then when reality doesn’t meet those expectations people often start to question or blame themselves, or wonder what they’re doing wrong. 

The Motherhood Myth

The “motherhood myth” is a collection of stories, images, and social values about motherhood that we all come across in our daily lives. These myths follow some version of the same: all women have an innate nurturance, motherhood comes naturally, and when you have a baby there should be an immediate connection and overwhelming love. Myths commonly include the idea that motherhood is natural, or effortless, or perhaps you’ve heard the one that says mother should enjoy every moment and be able to do it all themselves. Others have been told that motherhood is instinctual and that mothers “just know what to do” when the baby arrives.

These myths are not only untrue, but they are often hurtful. Many do not have the birth or postpartum they expected which often leads to feelings of shame, self-doubt, and she may even believe there is something wrong with her. These thoughts and feelings often keep new moms from reaching out for help or sharing with friends, due to feeling ashamed. Parents who experience pain, difficulty, and challenge may isolate themselves out of a fear of being judged.

Importantly, these myths are just that - made up. The motherhood myth isn’t supported by neuroscience, nor by any parenting studies. Researchers have actually found that all humans have the capacity to care for and nurture children, not just biological mothers. Biological mothers do have hormonal surges and neurological changes that can start off the process on a fast track, but all people’s brains and hormones can and do change in proportion to the amount of time they spend caring for children. Read that again - yes, all people’s brains and hormones change in proportion to the time they spend caregiving. This means that men, women, nonbinary and lactating/non-lactating people alike can adapt to caring for a child but it takes time and it takes exposure. Caring for the next generation isn’t just up to mothers - it’s up to all of us, so let’s share the load and not put pressure on new moms alone.

Why do I feel so different?

You likely feel very different than you did before you had a child. One reason for this is that the entire brain changes during pregnancy and postpartum. Your brain is literally different! And it is supposed to be that way - the restructuring in the brain helps you to be more responsive to your baby, social-emotional processing is enhanced, so are self-reflective capacities.

The brain fog you experience may be less to do with stress and more to do with the incredible changes happening in your brain to help you with your new role. One strengths-based way of understanding the changes the brain goes through during pregnancy and postpartum is through the process of Matrescence. Matrescence is the process of becoming a mother and encompasses huge lasting changes across many realms of functioning.

Instead of the myth that all women are born to be mothers, we can acknowledge the more complex reality that becoming a mother is an individual process that takes time. Matrescence researcher Dr. Aurelie Athan describes that it is “a developmental passage where a woman transitions through pre-conception, pregnancy and birth, surrogacy or adoption, to the postnatal period and beyond. The exact length of matrescence is individual, recurs with each child, and may arguably last a lifetime!”

Many parents report that it takes months or years to feel like “themselves” again, although in reality the brain never goes back to its pre-pregnancy structure, having had an upgrade during pregnancy and postpartum. This added complexity in the brain persists throughout the lifetime and may even have longterm protective effects on the brain as we age. Perhaps instead of going back to their old selves, they are finding their new selves, and that process indeed takes time.

What can I do?

If you are having a hard time postpartum, first know that you are not alone and you should not feel shame - you have done nothing wrong. First of all, there are some things that tend to help universally.

#1 get more support - consider who is on your team, which should include family, friends, doctors, neighbors, and so on - who can you ask for help? Who can you tell that you are having a hard time? Can someone in your inner circle focus on caring for you so you can spend time resting and bonding with your baby? Or maybe you’d like someone to hold the baby while you shower and do other things? Often a partner or close friend or family member can take the role of “captain” while you work on recalibrating. That person can then organize meals, figure out household chores and delegate other roles and responsibilities so that you don’t have to.

#2 make a sleep plan…for you - you need sleep just like your baby does. At least 4-5 hours of consecutive sleep per night in order to have proper cognitive functioning. You can speak with one of our therapists about how to craft a sleep plan that takes your individual needs as well as those of your family into account.

#3 consider joining a group or starting therapy - you aren’t alone in feeling this way and talking to a trained professional, or joining a peer group can be incredibly helpful. Consider what you might find more comfortable to begin with - a group or individual therapy with a perinatal mental health therapist. At The Centered Space Psychology Group, we specialize in working with reproductive and perinatal mental health, you can book a free consultation call with us now. You can also look through the PSI Directory for other therapists who have gained specialized training in this area.

Citations:

Conaboy, C. (2022). Mother brain: how neuroscience is rewriting the story of parenthood. First edition. Henry Holt and Company.

Rankin, L., Krouskop, H.G., & Fisher, M.L. (2024). Mother-infant attachment from the perspective of young mothers: Does the data support a maternal instinct?,Social Science & Medicine, 357, 0277-9536. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2024.117172.

Strathearn L. (2011). Maternal neglect: oxytocin, dopamine and the neurobiology of attachment. Journal of neuroendocrinology, 23(11), 1054–1065. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1365-2826.2011.02228.x

Swain, J. E., Kim, P., Spicer, J., Ho, S. S., Dayton, C. J., Elmadih, A., & Abel, K. M. (2014). Approaching the biology of human parental attachment: brain imaging, oxytocin and coordinated assessments of mothers and fathers. Brain research, 1580, 78–101. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brainres.2014.03.007