Setting the Precedent: Becoming a Decision-Making Team During Wedding Planning
Written by Alejandra Feliz, PsyD - Psychology Fellow at The Centered Space
Planning a wedding is one of those rare occasions where tons of decisions await you – ranging from the small details like napkin colors to monumental choices like your life partner. Every decision, despite how minute it might be, can feel HUGE. Both you and your partner might have strong opinions about various aspects of the process, making it difficult to reach decisions together. Additionally, the involvement of family and financial considerations can further complicate the process, making it harder to compromise in these situations. Even with a strong support system, a laid-back attitude, or a meticulously curated Pinterest board, this process can be really hard.
It’s important to set a tone of joint decision making as a couple early on. You’re likely to have tons of important decisions to make together – not only during wedding planning but throughout your future relationship. Ideally you two tackle these decisions feeling like teammates, rather than opponents. In fact, creating this foundation early on can end up helping you make decisions jointly down the line.
1. Work on Communication
When you’re planning a major life event, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed during this process. At times, this stress can seep into interactions with your partner, making it difficult to communicate clearly with one another. A key part of making decisions as a team is ensuring open and effective communication. This will help you make decisions that consider both of your feelings and preferences.
One powerful tool to improve communication is using "I" statements. These can help you express your feelings and needs without sounding accusatory or blaming, which can reduce defensiveness. For example, you may find yourself saying things like, "You never help with the planning!” Instead, you could try using an I statement to reword your message. This might sound like, "I feel really stressed when I handle all the planning by myself.” This shift in language can help you communicate more constructively.
Compromise is another important strategy to use, one which I’m sure we are all used to using in relationships. It’s essential to recognize that you won’t always get your way, and that's okay. Finding a middle ground that both partners can be content with is often more beneficial in the long run than clinging to individual desires. Compromise also builds trust over the long run, knowing that it’s not the individual moments but the bigger picture that really tells the true story.
Practice active listening in your relationship. This involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and then remembering what your partner said. This might look like turning off Netflix and muting your phone while you’re listening to your partner.
You may also consider exploring the idea of couple’s therapy during this time to help you learn ways to communicate better, have a dedicated space for the harder discussions, and feel supported as a couple as you navigate the stressors of planning a wedding.
2. Get on the Same Page
Setting aside regular, dedicated time to discuss wedding plans can be important. This ensures that both partners feel heard and involved in the decision-making process, and it can help prevent misunderstandings and resentment from building up over time. It's also worth considering when might be a good time to have these chats—maybe wedding planning after a long workday as you’re battling a migraine isn’t the best time. Finding moments when both of you can show up feeling calm and motivated to engage is key.
Other strategies to ensure joint decision making also includes use of decision matrices, which can help couples weigh their options by scoring each one based on various factors such as cost, time, and personal importance. This structured approach can bring clarity and objectivity to the process. You may also consider making pros and cons lists. This tool can help discuss the potential benefits and drawbacks of different choices, making it easier to reach a consensus.
3. Set Boundaries Early On
Setting clear boundaries at the outset is crucial. This communicates how the two of you will be showing up to the process to all of those involved. This may involve first discussing as a couple the vision you have for the event before allowing other opinions in. Decide ahead of time the areas you are open to compromising on – maybe neither of you feel strongly about the band but feel passionately about the venue.
You may also consider setting boundaries surrounding times the wedding is discussed. Maybe you opt out of wedding talk during Thanksgiving dinner this year but are open to scheduling a weekly catch up call with family who wants to be in the know.
4. Think Ahead
Creating a game plan to cope with the stressors and challenges of wedding planning is another important step. Although the process can be exciting, it can also be incredibly stressful. By approaching this process with a well-thought-out strategy, you set the stage not only for a smoother planning experience but also for a foundation of teamwork and communication for your marriage.
Navigating the demands of family members and friends can be one of the more delicate aspects of planning a wedding. Our loved ones often have the best intentions, but their expectations can sometimes overshadow your own. The challenge here is managing their expectations while also asserting your autonomy as a couple, all without damaging these important relationships.
One of the first steps in your game plan should be to establish how you will handle family demands. Decide together ahead of time whether each partner will manage their respective families or if both of you will be present for all conversations involving family. This decision should reflect your comfort levels and the dynamics of your relationships.
It's not uncommon for family members to have strong opinions about weddings, sometimes leading to tricky issues that can create tension. In these moments, the first and most crucial step is to have a candid conversation with your partner. This conversation should focus on your shared goals and boundaries, ensuring you both are on the same page before addressing family concerns.
Once you have a clear understanding of your goals as a couple, approach your family with empathy and assertiveness. Express gratitude for their input and explain that while you value their opinions, you and your partner have specific wishes for your wedding. By communicating your decisions with confidence and warmth, you can set healthy boundaries while maintaining a loving and respectful relationship with your family.
Role-playing scenarios can be helpful in preparing for these conversations. Imagine a situation where a well-meaning parent insists on making key decisions for your wedding:
Parent: "I think the ceremony should be in the church where we got married. It’s a family tradition."
You: "We appreciate how important that tradition is, and it means a lot that you want to share that with us. However, we have envisioned a different venue that feels right to us as a couple. We hope you can support our choice. Is there another way we can honor family traditions?"
Ultimately, planning a wedding can often be one of the first major collaborative projects a couple undertakes. The skills and precedents set during this time can have a profound impact on future marital decisions. When couples work together to navigate the many choices and challenges that arise during wedding planning, they develop invaluable skills. These skills can create a strong foundation for future decision-making in other areas of life, like finances or parenting.
It is important for couples to remember that this process is a learning experience, and it's okay to stumble along the way. Every decision made together is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. By setting the precedent as a decision-making team, couples can set themselves up for a successful marriage.
By Dr. Ale Feliz, PsyD