Improve your relationship with EFT couples therapy
written by Dr. Alejandra Feliz, psychologist and postdoctoral fellow at The centered Space
EFT: the gold standard for couple’s therapy
Ever wondered if couples therapy might be just the thing you need to help your relationship? With so many options out there, it's easy to get lost, especially if you're newer to therapy. Throughout this article, we’ll describe the type of couple’s therapy we offer at The Centered Space, as well as provide some examples of how folks might benefit from this approach. EFT is often called the gold-standard for couples therapy, due to it’s ability to improve marital satisfaction(*).
Partner A
You’ve spent all evening preparing a delicious home cooked meal, eagerly waiting for your partner to get home from work. As you move onto step 3 of the recipe, you realize that you’re missing a small, but key, ingredient. You shoot your partner a text, asking them to stop by the store on their way home. Problem solved!
An hour later, your partner walks in the door. You run over to say hello and ask for the key ingredient, having arrived just in time. Immediately, you notice their body language shift. “I didn’t have time to get it,” he mumbles.
“But I texted you an hour ago!” you exclaim.
“I had a million things to do today. I just didn’t have time to get it before coming home,” he says, as he walks away, leaving you feeling puzzled. What just happened? you wonder. Doesn’t he see the effort I’ve put into our evening?
You follow him, wanting to get answers and assurances that he sees you, that he cares. Next thing you know, a full-blown argument has begun. You wonder how you ended up here. All you wanted was to do something nice together and feel that he cares. You are left feeling alone and rejected.
Partner B
You hurry home after an insanely busy day at work. Seeing your partner and having a relaxing evening is all you can think of as you hop off the train. You walk in the door and your partner immediately asks for an ingredient you forgot you were supposed to grab. Your heart sinks, as you see your partner’s smile drop from her face when she realizes you’ve come home empty-handed.
You find yourself feeling like a failure, having forgotten to get the ingredient that she needed. I worked so hard all day today to provide for us, but I forgot this one important thing, you think. I did everything else she asked but all of that feels like it doesn’t matter. You feel like all your hard work is unseen.
This feeling of disappointing your partner feels awful, so you leave the room to give yourself some time and space to get your thoughts together. She follows you into the other room and, cornered, you feel yourself feeling overwhelmed and having a hard time expressing yourself calmly. After an argument ensues, you feel like a failure and as though you can never quite get it right.
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If parts of this scene feel familiar to you, you might be in a complicated cycle with your partner. Whether it’s over basil or something else, you may have noticed that some conversations lead to a feeling of disconnect, feeling as though they don’t seem to care or that no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough. Feeling this way for prolonged periods of time can slowly deteriorate the emotional bonds that brought you together in the first place.
Emotion focused therapy (EFT) is a form of couples therapy that is centered around the emotional connection between partners, which can help restore those emotional bonds. This therapy is designed to help couples identify and work through negative patterns of behavior that are affecting their relationship. EFT can help couples break out of cycles they’ve long been trapped into, by providing a new template for difficult and emotional moments.
EFT couples therapy is grounded in the idea that our emotions, more than our thoughts or actions, determine our behavior. By understanding and working through the emotional patterns that drive our behavior, couples can improve their communication, deepen their emotional connection, and strengthen their relationship overall.
During EFT couples therapy, couples work with a therapist to identify their negative patterns of behavior and learn new ways of interacting with each other. By focusing on emotions rather than actions, EFT couples therapy can help couples break out of negative cycles and build a stronger foundation for their relationship. With the help of a skilled therapist, couples can learn to communicate more effectively, build trust and intimacy, and create a more fulfilling relationship. It helps couples learn how to be there for their partner and their unique needs.
If you are a partner who tends to withdraw during conflict, similar to partner B in the story above, EFT can help you understand your emotional responses and develop more effective ways to communicate with your significant other. Withdrawal can be a common response when a partner feels overwhelmed, hurt or criticized. In EFT, a therapist will work with you to help you identify your emotional triggers and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Maybe you’re feeling feeling disconnected from your partner or feel you’re constantly pursuing them, but your efforts seem to drive them further away. If so, you may be more like partner A, the "pursuer," in your relationship, and it's important to know that you're not alone. Pursuers often feel stuck in a cycle of seeking intimacy and connection, only to be met with rejection or withdrawal from their partner. EFT can help pursuers like you to identify the underlying emotions driving your behavior. By understanding your needs for love, affection, and security, you can begin to communicate those needs to your partner in a way that they can understand. This can help to break the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal and create a more secure and fulfilling relationship.
By Dr. Alejandra Feliz
Psychologist & Postdoctoral Fellow
The Centered Space Psychology Group
(*)Research cited: A meta-analysis showed that marital satisfaction significantly improved and was sustained after a course of EFT. Beasley, C & Ager, R. (2019). Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Systematic Review of Its Effectiveness over the past 19 Years. In: Journal of Evidence Based Social Work, 16(2), 144-159. DOI: 10.1080/23761407.2018.1563013