Prepare for a Better Postpartum: How to support yourself or your partner after childbirth
So here’s the scene: You’re home with you new baby, your partner is now heading back to work after taking 1-2 weeks of parental leave. Your pelvic floor is probably still recovering from the experience of labor – which might have included tearing or a c-section incision, you are deep in figuring out how to feed your baby and nothing is coming easy yet. Then there’s the question of support. Maybe you’re lucky enough to have close family supporting you, or a postpartum doula, or a night nurse. Even still, this is a challenging and uncertain time that isn’t spoken about enough. You’ve already heard about how much joy a new baby brings, and I am here to let you know it is also hard. In fact, many parents worry if it takes time to bond with their new baby, and feel worried that they feel so lost at the beginning, but I see this all the time. Most of us aren’t brought up around babies and so when we finally have one of our own, it’s entirely new and there is a lot of uncertainty.
A little aside about uncertainty – did you know our brains interpret uncertainty as a threat? So when you are sitting home alone, uncertain why your baby is crying (hungry? Again? Tired? Wants to be held?), or wondering when the crying will stop – your brain can feel threatened and distressed. And on top of less sleep for the parents, there often isn’t a lot of bandwidth to regulate your own emotions at times like these. This kind of overwhelm in parenting can be a cause of great suffering, and exhaustion for parents.
You might be saying, ok enough with the talk about suffering – I’m already in it! So what can I do? Well there are a couple of very important things I want to teach you to have in your toolbox.
1. Learn to regulate yourself, so that you can begin to teach your baby to regulate themselves. Babies are born without the ability to calm themselves, but they learn how after repeatedly being soothed, and having their needs cared for by a good enough parent. You can regulate yourself by breathing in for 4, holding for 6, and exhaling for 7. You can also regulate by humming, singing, or visualizing a peaceful place.
2. Take time outs for yourself. Here’s how to do it: put your baby down in a safe spot, like their crib, bassinet, or in the arms of a trusted adult. Then, step into another room or even out of your house. You might want to lie down on your bed, or take a shower. Designate a spot where you can find peace and breathe and go there regularly. Just spend some time taking care of your needs.
3. Communicate with partners, supportive friends/family, and any other helpers about your needs. It is natural for people to focus on the baby, but you can remind them that you will need breaks too. For example, “I need you to take care of baby while I rest/shower/eat,” or “I’m exhausted, would you keep an ear out for baby while I rest?” When friends offer to visit, don’t host them, ask them to walk the dog or take out the trash. I like making a list of chores to put on your fridge or where visitors will see it to give a gentle nudge that you’d love (but don’t expect) help. If a friend offers to set up a meal train, take them up on it, too!
4. Share the responsibilities with your partner. Your partner can and should be as involved as you – attending medical visits, downloading the apps, reading the books and joining the birthing communities. At the end of the day, it’s more emotional labor for the birthing parent to tell everyone else what to do, we should expect better – particularly that our support systems are also educating themselves to do some of the lifting too.
If these ideas sound helpful, or you identify with being an “overwhelmed parent” or an “exhausted parent” you aren’t alone. More and more frequently we hear these issues being discussed by our friends, family, and clientele. We regularly support pregnant and postpartum clients, including special needs parents or new parents. Taking time for yourself, especially when it feels the hardest, is so important. Please reach out if you are needing support with your pregnancy or postpartum concerns.
Book a free 15-minute consult call with a therapist at The Centered Space today!