Pre-Marital Counseling: Not just for those on the brink of "I do"!
11 ways pre-marital counseling may be helpful for your relationship
By Alejandra Feliz, PsyD
When considering pre-marital counseling, one typical scenario that may come to your mind is an engaged couple seeking guidance from a counselor, maybe at a church or some other religious institution. However, pre-marital counseling can be useful far beyond this common perception. Not just for couples preparing for marriage - it can also help couples at all kinds of different life stages, including those expecting a baby, buying a home, relocating to a new state, and other significant milestones. Pre-Marital counseling has expanded and these days I prefer to refer to it as Pre-Milestone Counseling (PMC).
At its core, pre-marital (or pre-milestone) counseling aims to foster open communication, deepen understanding, and build a solid foundation for your partnership. Whether you're newly engaged or have been planning your future together for some time, PMC can offer insightful guidance and tools to navigate the complexities of being a couple. Below are some typical milestones and life stages during which you might find yourself needing a bit of extra support (and when PMC might be incredibly helpful!):
Getting Married: Planning a wedding can be thrilling yet stressful. Emotional support and practical help are invaluable during this time.
Having a Baby: The arrival of a new baby brings joy and challenges. Both parents may need emotional and physical support through pregnancy, childbirth, and the early months of parenting.
Moving in Together: Adjusting to shared living spaces and routines can be a significant transition that benefits from patience and understanding.
Facing Financial Struggles: Whether it's job loss, debt, or unexpected expenses, financial stress can strain a relationship. Support can come in the form of financial advice, emotional reassurance, or practical help.
Dealing with Illness: When one partner is ill, the other often takes on a caregiver role. Both partners need emotional and sometimes physical support during these trying times.
Coping with Grief: Losing a loved one is incredibly hard. Couples may need extra support to navigate their grief and support each other through the process.
Career Changes: New job opportunities or career shifts can be exciting but also stressful. Support during these transitions helps maintain balance and understanding.
Relocating: Moving to a new city or country can be a big adjustment. Emotional and logistical support can ease the transition.
Parenting Challenges: Raising children can be demanding at various stages. Couples might need support through difficult phases like adolescence or dealing with special needs.
Relationship Conflicts: Every relationship has its ups and downs. Professional counseling or simply a listening ear from trusted friends can provide much-needed support.
Retirement: Adjusting to retirement can be challenging as couples navigate new routines and roles. Emotional support and shared activities can help smooth the transition.
It is natural at these challenging times for conflicts to arise and for you and your partner to need support navigating these challenging situations. Beyond these experiences, pre-marital counseling can also be particularly beneficial for those who wish to address and resolve potential areas of conflict before they become significant issues. Some of the topics we commonly discuss in PMC include:
Communication Styles: As a couple, you will need to adapt to each other's communication styles and differences. This involves understanding verbal and non-verbal cues and ensuring both partners feel heard and valued.
Financial Management: Handling finances together can be a significant change and a common source of conflict. Creating a joint budget, discussing financial goals, and being transparent about spending habits are essential steps.
Living Arrangements: Moving in together or relocating can bring about new dynamics that you never had to navigate when living in different spaces. Adjusting to each other's living habits and creating a shared living space that feels like home for both is crucial.
Career Changes: One or both partners are likely to experience job changes, such as new roles or relocation for work. Supporting each other through these transitions and finding a balance between work and personal life is important.
Family Planning: Deciding if and when to have children can be a major life decision. This involves discussing expectations, parenting styles, and planning for the future.
Health Issues: Dealing with physical or mental health challenges requires compassion and support. Prioritizing each other's well-being and seeking professional help when needed can strengthen your bond.
Social Circles: Integrating each other's friends and family into your lives can be a significant adjustment. Finding common ground and building relationships with each other's loved ones fosters a supportive network.
Time Management: Balancing time between personal interests, work, and quality time together is an ongoing process. Scheduling regular date nights and personal downtime helps maintain a healthy relationship.
Conflict Resolution: Learning to navigate disagreements constructively is key. Developing strategies for resolving conflicts without causing harm and finding common ground is essential for long-term happiness.
Personal Growth: Supporting each other's individual growth and aspirations is vital. Encouraging personal development while maintaining a strong partnership helps each person thrive within the relationship.
By exploring these topics together in a supportive and structured environment, you and your partner can gain clarity and develop strategies to manage challenges effectively when they come up. Pre-marital counseling is often time-limited (8-10 sessions) and includes a set agenda to ensure that couples are able to discuss potential pitfalls. As we work together on your relationship, you and your partner can expect to learn essential skills including emotion regulation, effective communication, conflict resolution, and nurturing emotional intimacy and connection. PMC also offers flexibility depending on your unique needs – at times PMC can expand to longer term couple’s therapy for those that would like to continue having the space beyond 8-10 sessions.
Ultimately, our goal in pre-marital (or pre-milestone) counseling is to equip you and your partner with the tools you will need to foster a healthy, supportive, and enduring relationship. By addressing potential challenges and setting realistic expectations, you can enter different life stages with a stronger foundation and a clearer understanding of each other's needs. PMC is also evidence-based, and research has found evidence that couples who participate in some type of PMC report an increase in marital satisfaction, as well as reduced rates of divorce compared to those who did not (Stanley, 2001; Carroll & Doherty, 2004).
Having a proactive approach not only enhances the bond between partners but also helps in reducing the likelihood of future conflicts. So when conflict does arise (as it does for all couples!) you can cope better, rely on each other for support, and reach a resolution that makes both partners feel satisfied. If you think you and your partner could benefit from some extra support before or while embarking on a significant life change, I’d encourage you to consider whether PMC might be of help. If you are interested in learning more, please reach out to schedule a time to chat!
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Research cited:
Stanley, S.M. (2001). Making A Case for Premarital Education. Family Relations, 50(3), 272-280. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2001.00272.x
Carroll, J. S., & Doherty, W. J. (2003). Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta-analytic review of outcome research. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies, 52(2), 105–118. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00105.x