5 tips for new dads
The transition to being a parent is a huge one – no minimizing that fact! Whether you are a first time dad or you’ve been through the process before, you will still experience a profound shift in your life. From your relationship with your partner to your work-life situation, there will be changes. It is normal to experience uncertainty and a mix of big feelings – joy and excitement, but also sadness, disappointment and anger are common too. So often it can feel like the main focus is on the new baby, and secondarily on mom, but you are a very important part of the family and I’m going to explain to you how your role is absolutely critical.
1. Be her caretaker: When the baby comes, it is your primary job to take care of the new mother. New moms typically are focused on the baby and will naturally often be holding, feeding, or taking care of baby’s needs, but someone needs to think about her needs. Your partner will have her own unique needs, but here are some universal things for you to be in charge of:
Keep a large water bottle filled with water by her bedside table (refil throughout the day)
Make sure mom sleeps for uninterrupted stretches in the night, she may need earplugs and to know that you are ON CALL for the baby during that time. She needs minimum 4 hour stretches at night and so do you
Make sure she showers and takes care of hygiene needs such as helping her change wound dressings, getting clean pads or underwear, and maybe ice packs too. Sometimes you will need to gently take the baby and reassure her that she can go take care of herself - it’s biologically ingrained in her to be reluctant to leave the baby, so be confident and caring here.
Order/cook/coordinate meals and make sure mom is getting fed enough nutrients. If she’s breastfeeding she will need extra calories. Foods like soups, stews and broths are all excellent and many services exist to order postpartum food if you aren’t sure what to get.
Encourage her to take some time to herself, maybe she can nap, go for a walk, see friends, etc. You can encourage her to get some rest from being on baby duty all the time. She may be reluctant to leave again, so start small if she needs to.
2. Parenting: Get good at feeding (or assisting breastfeeding), as well as swaddling, burping, changing, and putting the baby to sleep. Even though mom might do these things doesn’t mean she should do them all herself. Even if mom is exclusively breastfeeding, learn how to assist - bring baby to her and then take baby and do the burping/swaddling, especially at night time. Maternal gatekeeping is real and it hurts everyone. Also if there are other children, take charge of their needs too.
3. Be the point person: communicate between friends and family, household tasks, pets, other kids, etc – you are now the anointed one in charge so that mom can rest and not overwhelm herself trying to deal with those tasks on top of all the new changes she’s experiencing physically & emotionally.
4. On that note, be the boundary setter for your family. This means it’s your job to let people know “we need some time to adjust before we’re ready to have you over” or “please come over, and can you bring a meal or help with some household chores too?" It's your job to discuss with your partner how much (or little) you both want to hear from other people right now and then enforce those boundaries. If she’s not ready for company, she’s not ready.
5. Take care of your own health too! At least 1 in 10 dads may experience postpartum depression, anxiety, or PTSD. You also need rest and support as you go through this major life change. Do you have a good group of dad friends you can talk to about difficulties? If not, you can join a dad’s group. Do you have/need mental health support? Some therapists specialize in working with dads and non-birthing partners around the unique issues that can come up during this time. You and your partner can learn to prioritize time to take care of yourselves, both individually and as a new family!