To have and to hold: Navigating the Joys and challenges of bicultural marriage with a therapist's insight

written by Alejandra Feliz, PsyD - psychology fellow at The Centered Space

In today's world, social media, dating apps, and budget airlines have enhanced the ability to form connections and romantic bonds across borders, opening up a world of opportunities to meet someone special. These possibilities transcend traditional social circles, workplaces, or local communities and extend globally as more individuals relocate, work, and travel internationally. 

As such, romantic relationships are increasingly becoming globalized too. Maybe you met your match wandering the streets of Santo Domingo. Or perhaps you were savoring a latte in a Parisian café, immersed in a book, when a local caught your eye. Maybe you even connected in a chatroom or listserv and were able to meet up after building a relationship through text and calls. Thanks to our interconnected world, these relationships have more chances to blossom.

While bicultural relationships can bring great joy and fulfillment, they also come with unique challenges. Blending your lives together can be intricate, especially when merging with someone from a vastly different cultural background. Drawing from my experience as a therapist in a bicultural marriage, I offer insights into the complexities of navigating these relationships.

Communication Barriers

Effectively communicating can be a challenge for many couples, and it becomes even more complex when a second language is involved. When communicating in a non-native language, nuances can get lost as direct translations may not be entirely accurate. Amid heightened emotions, juggling feelings, thoughts, and translations simultaneously can be daunting. This challenge is especially evident with idiomatic expressions and cultural subtleties that lack direct equivalents in other languages, often leading to misunderstandings, frustration, confusion, and conflict for both partners.

Moreover, the language barrier may create a sense of distance, preventing you from feeling completely understood and known by your partner. Some individuals have expressed feeling disconnected when unable to share their core identity in another language with their significant other.  I’ve heard clients say, “I’m so funny in Spanish and he doesn’t even know!” For the non-expatriate spouse, learning a new language, especially in adulthood, can present its own set of difficulties, making connecting even harder. 

Communication styles can also vary greatly. In some cultures, directness is valued and seen as a sign of honesty, whereas in others, indirect communication is preferred to maintain harmony and avoid confrontation. Understanding and respecting these differences can be crucial for maintaining a healthy and supportive relationship.

Cultural Differences

Cultural differences might show up for bicultural couples in a myriad of ways. Holidays and special occasions might be celebrated differently. There may be different expectations for how family roles and responsibilities are distributed. One partner might come from a culture where extended family plays a significant role in daily life, while the other might be used to a more nuclear family structure. Even small everyday habits, such as mealtimes and dietary preferences, can reflect deeper cultural values and traditions.

Additionally, approaches to conflict resolution can differ. In some cultures, open discussion and debate are encouraged as a means to resolve disagreements, while in others, maintaining peace and avoiding open conflict might be the norm. Recognizing these differences and finding a middle ground can help bicultural couples navigate challenges effectively.

Support Networks

In a bicultural relationship, the couple may benefit from broader support networks. At times, one partner might relocate to a new city or country to be with their significant other becoming the expatriate spouse. This can potentially result in feelings of isolation and resentment. However, it's important to communicate openly and frequently to navigate these emotions. Couples can explore various ways to stay connected, such as regular video calls, surprise visits, and shared online activities. Additionally, finding local support networks or immersing oneself in new hobbies can help mitigate feelings of loneliness.

Adjusting to a new environment and culture can be incredibly challenging, and feeling separated from your friends, family, and community can make it extra tough. 

Bicultural Couple’s Therapy

Ultimately, the key to thriving in a bicultural relationship lies in mutual respect, open communication, and a willingness to learn from one another. Couples therapy can be a helpful space for bicultural couples to navigate some of the challenges that may arise due to their differing backgrounds and cultural perspectives. By providing a neutral and supportive environment, therapy allows couples to explore and appreciate their unique cultural identities while fostering mutual understanding and respect.

Given my own personal experiences as a therapist in a bicultural marriage I am able to help other bicultural couples navigate the unique challenges and joys that come with blending different cultural backgrounds. By sharing insights and tools, I aim to foster understanding and empathy between partners, helping them to appreciate each other's perspectives.

In therapy sessions, I often encourage couples to engage in open and honest communication, creating a safe space where they can express their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment. We explore the values and customs that are important to each partner and work together to find ways to integrate them into their shared life.

One of the key aspects we focus on is building cultural empathy—an understanding and appreciation for the cultural differences that can sometimes lead to misunderstandings or conflicts. This involves not only learning about each other's backgrounds but also being willing to adapt and compromise.

By addressing these issues head-on and with a compassionate approach, bicultural couples can strengthen their bond, enrich their relationship, and create a family environment that honors both cultures.

By Dr. Alejandra Feliz, PsyD