When pregnancy doesn't go as expected, here are some ways to cope. Written by therapist Erica Langer, PsyD
This is a guest post written by The Centered Space Psychology’s post-doctoral fellow Erica Langer, Psy.D.
For many women, pregnancy can be an exciting time filled with plans for the future. For others, the journey to parenthood is not so straightforward and is a time wrought with challenges.
Infertility. Miscarriage. High-risk pregnancy. Premature birth. Extended NICU stay.
If you are dealing with any of these complications, among the many others that arise during the parenting journey, you are not alone. In fact, I have been there myself. In 2014, following a complicated pregnancy, my daughter was born at 25 weeks and had an extended stay in the NICU. I found myself dealing with a reality that was very different from how I envisioned the birth of my second child and a number of distressing thoughts and emotions consumed me: "This isn’t how it was supposed to go." "Why me?" "Did I do something wrong?" I felt sad at times, scared often, and so many other emotions.
Prior to my daughter’s birth, I had completed my doctorate in Clinical Psychology. I was used to serving in the therapist role and felt like I had things under control. After a short period of time, I realized that this was not the case. In order to be a good mom (to both of my children), I needed to take care of my own mental health.
Here are some of the ways that I coped during this difficult time:
Self-care. This is a somewhat vague term that means something different to everyone. While my daughter was in the NICU, people loved to tell me to go for a manicure or to the gym. Although I generally do enjoy these activities, they were the last things I wanted to do during this time of my life. Figure out what self-care means for you and make time for it, even if it is only 10 minutes each day.
Seek out the company of friends and family OR ignore them! I am usually someone who responds to emails and texts immediately. I was happy to spend time with some friends during this time, but I needed space from others. I gave myself permission to ignore communication and social media.
Live in the moment. As a planner, it is hard for me not to think ahead to next week or next month. I had little control over how tomorrow would go, so I learned to take things day by day, enjoy the small victories and live in the moment. It was a very valuable lesson that I continue to embrace today.
Seek the help of a professional. Although it is normal to feel a range of emotions during the parenting journey, when symptoms of depression and anxiety cause significant distress, they may meet the criteria for a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder with Peripartum Onset. Symptoms may include anxiety and preoccupation with the infant’s well-being, depressed mood, irritability, sleep difficulties and diminished ability to concentrate, among other symptoms. Therapy provides a safe space for people to talk openly about their experiences during this challenging time.
As a therapist, I know the importance of prioritizing my own mental health. One way I did so during this time was by talking to a professional. It was the best thing I did, not only for myself, but for my whole family.