This is a question that gets asked by many new mothers. The truth is, you likely don’t feel like yourself after having a baby because you are adjusting to huge shifts to the life you knew, including physical changes, brain changes, hormonal shifts, identity shifts, and a whole new person in your life. I’m Dr. Heidi Cox, a clinical psychologist and therapist, certified in perinatal mental health, and the director of The Centered Space Psychology Group, a therapy practice in New York City with offices in Park Slope and Union Square NYC.
Around 75% of new mothers experience the Baby Blues, and at least 20% go on to experience perinatal mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and OCD. We know that at least 10% of new dads experience PMADs also. If you are here reading this, it is important that you know these three things:
1) there are people who understand what you are going through because they have been there, like myself both personally and with so many clients,
2) you will get through this time, and
3) if you experience post-partum anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues there is treatment available, and with treatment you will get well.
Now that we’ve established that it is both upsetting and common to feel this way, let me introduce you to the concept of Matrescence. If you haven’t heard of this word before, Matrescence is the process of becoming a mother. It is the transition from woman to mother, that we call Matrescence. The term was revived by Dr. Aurelie Athan, who wrote the following about the process. “Matrescence is the non-linear process of becoming a mother, which includes integrating the role of mothering with our sense of self. We undergo this transition while also learning on the job, and experiencing the daily joy and full catastrophe of life that naturally accompanies motherhood.”
Along with the physical changes that you are feeling as a new parent, and the sleep changes you are dealing with, your brain has changed to help you to adapt to your new role and many aspects of life are made new by your changed identity. Yes, your brain has changed during pregnancy and postpartum. The brain changes that new moms undergo allows them to be more able to multitask, to be sensitive to sounds and signals that baby is hungry or in distress (hello sensitive hearing!), and to be able to be more efficient with sleep. Stay tuned as exciting research is still being done on this topic to help us better understand the maternal brain and its refining and rewiring during pregnancy and postpartum.
If you’re wondering “what can I do to feel better after having a baby?” there are so many things that can help, some take time and some are quicker and can start to help right away. First of all, if it is accessible to you, find someone who can be nurturing and compassionate to you – not everyone will feel this way, but a new mother needs mothering. Whether this is from your mother, a friend, a partner, or even from yourself – you’ve been through one of the biggest changes you will ever experience and you are newly born as a mother, just like your child. If you’re not sure where to start, joining a new mothers group can be a great first step to connect with others. I’ve shared more ideas below.
Below are some common questions we hear – feel free to share your own thoughts and questions in the comments below.
Questions & Answers about Postpartum Mental Health
Q: When will I feel better emotionally after having a baby?
Answer: Most new mothers (75-80%) experience the baby blues, which is a period of 1-3 weeks after having a baby where some hormones are dropping precipitously and other hormones are beginning to rise. During these early weeks, it’s common to feel big emotional swings in mood, going from happy to sad, laughing to crying. This should resolve by week 2/3. If you continue to feel very worried, fearful, and concerned with things being “just right,” or sad, tired, numb or angry – and “not like myself” then it may be a good reason to reach out to your doctor or a therapist for help. Partners can look out for mood and behavior changes and help with supporting and connecting to help as well. With treatment, you will feel better. That might look like therapy, medication, or a combination of the two.
Q: Why do I feel so worried all the time after having a baby?
Answer: If you’re feeling worried about things like your baby’s eating, sleeping, or other patterns, or feeling anxious about doing things correctly, or imagining worst case scenarios or bad things that can happen, it could be a sign that you are experiencing postpartum anxiety. Having a baby is a whole new set of responsibilities and sometimes our brains start to focus in on all of the possible outcomes, especially the most upsetting ones. We think this is an adaptation that evolved in the brain to help new mothers look out for their babies, however it can also become problematic and lead to loss of sleep, over worrying, and living life on high alert (hypervigilance) which causes all kinds of physical and relational issues too. If this feels familiar, reach out to a perinatal mental health provider – one place to look is on the PSI Directory.
Q: What can I do to feel better as a new parent?
Answer: Make sure it is someone’s job to take care of you too. As a new mom, you’ve just gone through an extreme physical experience and need time to rest and heal. You need good food and plenty of fluids (especially if breast feeding). You need someone to help you protect your sleep. Get a partner, parent, friend, or even hired help to support you in these needs. Once you have had time to rest and heal, start to get into your usual routines or make new routines that work for your new life. For example, make time to be with friends, go for a walk, or get some time alone to read/rest/relax off the clock. If you have a past history of anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, or think you might be experiencing it now, connect with a therapist or doctor.
Q: What resources are there for new parents with mental health concerns?
Answer: There are therapists and doctors trained in perinatal mental health therapy, for both moms and dads. As mentioned, PSI directory is a good starting place for therapists. Sometimes joining a support group or new moms group can be a great support too – there are free drop in groups through PSI. At The Centered Space Psychology group, we treat postpartum and pregnancy mental health concerns, sometimes with therapy alone and sometimes in collaboration with a reproductive psychiatrist. We also offer The Checkup, which is a way to access short-term therapy and assessment before the baby comes and after, creating a plan ahead of time with your partner that is focused on building personalized resources, sleep plans, and more to support your specific set of needs.
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