How to Help Your Child Manage Back-to-School Anxiety

Written by Michelle Sidhom, PsyD

It’s the start of a new school year, which can bring anxiety not only for children, but for parents too. A new teacher, new classroom, new school, or simply a change in routine may leave you with a lot of questions and worries, such as: Will my child be okay? Will they make friends? What if they are anxious all day?

As a family therapist, I often see how much a child's transition can affect the entire family. When our children are struggling, it is natural for us to want to make things easier for them. We may offer extra reassurance, consider letting them stay home, or spend the day wondering how they are doing. While these responses come from a place of love, sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is help our children feel capable of handling what feels difficult. Here are some things you can do to help your child, and I’ve included a few helpful phrases too:

1. Validate their Feelings

You don't have to convince your child that there is nothing to be nervous about. Instead, let them know that their feelings make sense. After giving your child some space to share their thought, you could say something like:

“I know you're nervous. Starting something new can feel really hard. But I know you can do it.”

This allows your child to feel understood without sending the message that their anxiety needs to be avoided.

2. Help them focus on what they Can do

Rather than repeatedly reassuring your child that everything will be fine, help them think about what they can do if they feel uncomfortable.

Prompt them to start thinking proactively:

“What could you do if you start feeling nervous at school?”

Help them mentally walk through the steps needed: Maybe they can take a few deep breaths, talk to their teacher, sit near a friend, or ask for help. Your goal should be to help your child move from “What if something goes wrong?” to “I know what I can do if something feels hard.”

3. Keep goodbyes low-anxiety

For children who have a hard time separating, a long or emotional goodbye can sometimes make things harder. Try creating a short, predictable routine—a hug, a few encouraging words, and goodbye.

I recommend a simple goodbye, something like:

“I love you and I'll see you after school.”

After that, just follow through with what you said - repeat yourself if you need to. If you hang back and look uncertain your child will feel that uncertainty too, but if you appear confident, you can help your child feel more confident, too.

4. Manage your own Anxiety

This can be one of the hardest parts for parents. Children pick up on our emotions, even when we don't say anything.

If you find yourself worrying throughout the day, checking your phone constantly, or imagining everything that could go wrong, this might be a good time to remind yourself:

“It is ok to be uncomfortable. New isn’t bad, it’s just new.”

You don't have to be completely calm. You just want to model the confidence you are hoping your child will develop. If it feels hard to not show your own anxiety, therapy can help. You may find support from a therapy group for parents or try out therapy for yourself to get some tools that will help you parent in a more calm and connected way.

Notice the Small Wins

Starting school probably won’t feel easy right away. It takes time to adjust to a new routine and new setting, new classroom, maybe even new classmates. Normalize this for yourself, and your child.

Try noticing what your child was able to do: maybe they walked into school even though they were nervous, maybe they talked to one new person. Perhaps you saw that they had a difficult morning but tried again the next day.

My recommendation isn't to teach children that they should never feel anxious. It's to help them learn that they can feel anxious, that it’s not a bad feeling, and how to work through it, and discover that they are capable of doing hard things. And sometimes, that means we have to practice doing the same thing as parents.

Here’s a little parenting mantra for you: “I can’t control every experience my child will have, but I can trust their ability to handle challenges and trust myself to support them along the way.”

Dr. Michelle Sidhom works with teens, adults, and families in Manhattan, Brooklyn, and virtually.